According to NASA scientists, an asteroid will do a fly-by in the skies above ol’ Earth next week.
These good folks, who have spent decades studying the skies and the stars and everything in between, assure us that there is nothing to worry about and that we are completely safe.
Of course, why should we believe cock-eyed optimistic “expert” scientists when doomsayers clearly know better?
Professor Robert Walsh, research director of the University of Central Lancashire, suggests that we better take the threat of an impending apocalyse seriously.
So, say good-bye to loved ones before next Wednesday as sometime between next Wednesday and the following Tuesday humanity will be as extinct as the dinosaurs.
Even the Donald (Trump) ‘s ego is not big enough to shelter us from harm.
A plethora of horrors will ravage the planet, including meteor strikes, earthquakes, tsunamis, fire and brimstone, dogs and cats living together, wrath of God, biblical plagues, and not even the Ghostbusters can save the day.
And even though NASA and scientists around the world regularly monitor the skies and tell us “Don’t worry. Be happy.”…
Even though the Earth is hit with about a hundred tons of extraterrestrial material every day, debris in the form of numerous small rocks, the majority of which burn up in the planet’s atmosphere…
Even though Bruce Willis is suited up and ready to go….
I say, sell your house NOW and spend the money on a nice holiday before those places to see before you die are no longer around for you to see and you are no longer around to see them.
And that nice cult leader down the road, we know HE’s ready with his electric Kool-Aid and his assurances that death is simply the threshold to an extra-dimensional paradise.
I mean if you can’t trust religion at a time like this…
So, hardware and grocery stores, stock up, for the sensible folks are comin’.
They’ve always been ready with their underground bases stocked with canned goods and bottled water, blankets and flasks of coffee.
They’ve always been ready, whether the crisis is as simple as a snowstorm or as terrifying as nuclear war or zombie invasion.
As for me and my house, we are, quite frankly, cowards.
Admit the possibility of dying?
It is just too psychologically uncomfortable to think about.
So, we are planning a beer and spirits run to the local store, so when the Apocalypse comes we will be insensible to it.
After all, we partied before:
When “it was two thousand zero zero, party’s over, out of time”…
And when those ancient Mayans and their stone calendars predicted 2012 as “game over”, well, Jack Daniel profits in our part of Thurgau County were remarkably healthy that year.
So, folks, party’s at my house, bring your jammies and toothbrushes and we’ll watch DVDs until the power fails or the booze runs out, which ever comes first.
So, God, it’ll be great to meet You finally face to face.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for all the fish.